Crawling through Pages

So, this is my single adult fireside talk I gave tonight, essentially. It is actually a Reader's Digest version. (It might be helpful to read my previous post for more background on this first.) My introduction did include a few words on my background and my MS.
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Let me begin by apologizing for my voice. A few months ago Bev Roberts (former Stake President's wife) asked me how I was feeling. I told her, “A lot better than I sound.” She answered, “Good!” Truth is that my voice makes it sound like I’m WAY worse than I am. My voice trouble is without question my biggest MS challenge at present.
So when I was a teenager I heard the following poem called “Don’t quit”

When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,
When the road you're trudging seems all up hill,
When funds are low and debts are high,
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit,
Rest! if you must; but don't you quit.
Life is queer with its twists and turns,
As everyone of us sometimes learns,
And many a failure turns about
When he might have won had he stuck it out;
Success is failure turned inside out;
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt;
And you never can tell how close you are,
It may be near when it seems afar;
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit;
It's when things seem worst that you mustn't quit.

I thought it was awesome so memorized it. I figured it would be handy to recall during the periods of trial and hardship that were surely ahead. Everything was great at the time: health, family, friends, finances. I envisioned difficulty learning a foreign language on my mission, perhaps some homesickness, some discouragement, I figured I would go to college and it would be hard. Long story short, in my mind I kind of envisioned the adversity I would face and I was ready for it. I had a poem!
I have to tell you, some things were not as bad as I thought, like homesickness on my mission. It wasn’t too bad. Other things were a lot worse than I had envisioned, like mission discouragement. But most things pretty well went as I planned. Work and career, hard but rewarding, church callings, same, raising children? A joy beyond description but also extremely taxing.
And then three years ago I started having issues with my central nervous system and was diagnosed with MS. I expected the trial of serious health problems in my 70s or 80s but this wasn’t right. I was only 41! The poem didn’t say anything about neurodegenerative diseases. I tried to get out of it. I mean, I understand the principle of adversity: makes you stronger, necessary part of life, etc. but I didn’t want to actually have to go through it. At least not at 41. Couldn’t we just put this on hold for 40 years? I had things to do, I am still raising my kids and providing for my family. This was a bad time for adversity.
I saw a lot of doctors and specialists, gave myself over 200 shots, have taken over 1,000 pills yet and three years later I am worse, not better. What about help from the Divine? Maybe I just needed to show a little faith. I got priesthood blessings, I prayed earnestly, I know that my family prayed too, and fasted. I will say that the blessing provided inestimable comfort, and I have felt blessed through the fasts, but for some reason, the Lord’s hand has been stayed from granting me a full remission, so far.
But enough about me. What about you? I am certain that everyone here has their share of adversity. How are you dealing with yours? I want you to think about your biggest problem or two. Will they go away? Probably not. Will they get smaller? Maybe, I don’t know, but I will remind you that without them life would be meaningless. But maybe you REALLY don’t like your challenges. I get that. I hate mine but that’s kind of the nature of adversity.
Why doesn’t the Lord just help us out? Does he have the power? Sure, but will he? Is that how he works? The scriptures are filled with stories of people with problems, good and faithful people. For example, the people of Alma suffered under the hand of their enemies. The Lord didn’t just kill off their oppressors, but he did not forget his faithful people either. Listen to what he did:

5 And now it came to pass that the burdens which were laid upon Alma and his brethren were made light; yea, the Lord did strengthen them that they could bear up their burdens with ease, and they did submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord.

It has been said that we will each have our personal Gethsemane. I don’t know about that – I don’t know if it is fair to compare our trials to the great and infinite atonement- and that makes it sound like there is just one. I do believe that everyone will have adversity in many forms. Maybe it is health, maybe financial, maybe a crisis of faith or testimony, maybe romance adversity, maybe the loss of a loved one. I do not believe that life is supposed to be limited to one major chunk of adversity; one defining day but rather a lifetime of challenges, both great and small.
Our challenges are real, but I think it helps to put them in their proper perspective. Imagine sitting at a ward social in the Celestial Kingdom, sharing a big round table with a handcart pioneer and Abinadi. The first person explains how they had to bury their child in a shallow grave along the trail and then Abinadi tells the story of how he had to preach in disguise and was later put to death by fire. Then they look at me and ask,

“So, what is your story? What did you have to overcome?”

What will I say?

“My voice was real weak. Crazy weak. AND then I had to give this fireside! Hey Abinadi, can you pass the water?”

I don’t mean to trivialize our adversities, my adversity. It is hard. But only compared to my life before MS, not compared to the history of mankind. If you ever start feeling that your trials are too much, the scriptures are filled with stories of men and women who had it way worse than you and me.
I have kept a pretty good journal for 30 years. The other day I was reading one from 1999. It's funny what I worried about back then. Sometimes I wish I could crawl through the pages and say, “Dave, don’t fret so much about work, it’ll be fine.”
I recently read The Hiding Place by Corrie Ten Boom. She was a Dutch woman, a devout Christian, in her 40s during World War 2, working in “the underground” to protect (and hide) Jews from the Germans. In early 1944 she was arrested and imprisoned in Holland and later transferred to a horrible German concentration camp. Her father, sister, and nephew all died in prison. As I read the book, I couldn’t help but feel the same desire to crawl through the pages and through time and tell her, “Don’t worry Corrie, the allies are coming. The war is almost over!”
Although she provides graphic detail, I cannot really understand the horror because I know how it ends. I have hindsight now, perspective. I know that the good guys will win the war, fascism will be stamped out, and Corrie Ten Boom will live into her 90s tirelessly preaching of Jesus Christ and the Bible. Hang in there Corrie, the allies are coming! But when she was suffering this adversity, I’m convinced that part of the trial is not knowing. We can’t know.
Think of the prophet Joseph in Liberty jail. I’m sure that he did not anticipate the adversity he suffered there, and with hindsight I don’t think we can fully comprehend his suffering. This was bad: the Saints were being chased from their homes in Far West, some had been killed, friends were turning on him, the physical privations were severe. He felt forsaken. He cried out, “Oh God. Where art Thou?”
If he had known it was just going to be five months, a pretty rough five months, but then he’d be freed, this experience will make for some great sections of the Doctrine and Covenants, he’d move the saints to Illinois, build Nauvoo, and the Church would flourish. If he could have known that, I think it would have been more tolerable. But he didn’t. He couldn’t. That’s the nature of adversity:

• you don’t always see it coming,
• it can be worse than you expected, and
• you can’t know how long it is going to last.

Are you struggling through some adversity that meets those criteria? You didn’t expect it, it is harder than you thought anything would be, and there is no definite end in sight? Who from the future is trying to crawl through your pages and tell you, “It’s OK, just hang on, just a little while longer, the allies are coming, relief is almost there, everything will be fine.”
Listen to what the Lord told Joseph while he was incarcerated in Liberty:

7 My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment;
8 And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes.
9 Thy friends do stand by thee, and they shall hail thee again with warm hearts and friendly hands.

So although we don’t get to know the specifics of the future of the resolution of our issues, we are not left without comfort. In the last General Conference, Elder Holland spoke on the atonement, and how the Savior had to suffer alone, and how being without comfort or support from anyone, either on Earth or in heaven, was somehow part of that infinite atoning process. However, he counseled that we do not have to wade through adversity alone. I know that I have not been alone for a moment of my little health challenge. I’m actually kind of embarrassed by the amount of love and support I have received from family and friends.
It is my hope that we can each “endure it well” and learn to appreciate the adversity in our lives and trust that it will be for our good someday.

My Latest Adversity

A few months ago I was asked to speak at a stake single adult fireside. The topic was Humor and Adversity. Given that my single biggest challenge at present is my failing voice, I thought the request was humorous, but I acquiesced.

This week the lady in charge e-mailed me and said I would have about 40 minutes. Yeah, you might want to have the brownies ready a little early; I’ll be fortunate to go ten. It would be held in the same room as my Sunday school classes, and I’d have the same little microphone, but in class I am pretty liberal assigning parts to be read. Could I do that in this setting? It might be untraditional but I might have to.

I prepared my talk as best as I could and tried not to worry too much about the actual speaking part. However, I did write it out and printed it with a large font and a lot of page breaks so that I could hand off parts of it if necessary. I liked the talk, and felt guided on several occasions while preparing it.

The finished product was about 3,000 words, or about 20 minutes. I was very worried about delivery. This afternoon Kara said, “It’ll be fine; you’re not as hard to hear as you think.” That was kind of her but I don’t think she understands how hard it is for me to say anything; to say nothing of giving a 20-minute discourse. As I’ve mentioned before, it isn’t just the vocal cords; it’s my throat, my soft palate, my whole mouth just stops responding when fatigued.

I was very concerned about the whole ordeal. As I was driving to the church I had the distinct impression not to be so concerned, this wasn’t about me and my vocal challenge. I would have enough voice, and enough composure to get the message to the person that needed it. Just do my best, use others if I needed to, but this was about getting the lesson taught in that setting, not necessarily about the speaker. That was a relief.

So, how did it go? Pretty much as expected. I was strained, but audible. Two members of the Stake Presidency were seated on the front row and I did ask them to come up and read a few things for me, likely earning me a reprieve from future stake speaking assignments. At about 25 minutes my mouth revolted so I skipped the last section and closed. I think I had made my point.  I was starting to slur words. You know the “I say these things…” ending? I think I said it with like seven syllables. Maybe six.

I’ll post the talk itself later. I called it "Crawling through Pages." (Keep in mind that I think it reads much better than it sounded!)

Return on Investment

The other day I noticed that if I play certain tunes loud enough on my PC, Natalie will wander into the study and sing along. She dances too. This gave me an idea. This morning I asked her what was her favorite song. She said, “Here We Go Again” by Demi Lovato. Later I bought the tune and this afternoon I tried out my new lure. It worked like a charm; she was singing and swaying before five measures. It was awesome. Something about her is so addicting.  She was so happy I had the song. I think it might possibly be the best dollar I ever spent.

I’m feeling fine, by the way.

Riches Found

Yesterday I taught again. It was the first lesson from the “Strengthening Families” course. The lesson was on parenting principles and practices. As I was preparing it I fought feelings of inferiority. I am no parenting sage, and my children would readily testify to that. Sure I could review the quotes and scriptures, but what could I add? What do I know? But then I had an epiphany: I could draw on my parents’ wisdom rather than my own experiences! The pauper had just won the lottery! I was wealthy with experiences and anecdotes. After all. that is what The Ensign purchased. Maybe this is why I was given this calling. It all made sense now. Here is a story that I had my friend Nate read in class yesterday:

One Fast Sunday when I was about 12, we came home from church and my mom began preparing dinner, but it wouldn’t be ready for hours. My younger siblings broke their fast on cold cereal, but I knew if I did the same I would be in trouble. I was angry. I hated Fast Sunday. Why did it have to be so hard? What would be the harm in a bowl of Lucky Charms? I’d already fasted breakfast. I hated being one of the older kids. I was lying on the couch, sulking and pouting as much as I dared, when my dad invited me to take a walk with him. “Here it comes” I thought. I was sure I was going to get a lecture about fasting or attitude or accountability or something.

After walking a block in silence, he began explaining the seemingly conflicting laws of justice and mercy, and how the Savior’s atonement satisfied both laws. I struggled to see a connection between this topic and my present pouting. As the lesson continued, I gave up trying to see a link, and just enjoyed receiving a “grown-up” lesson. He never said a word about fasting or food until we got home and he said that if I needed to eat, to go ahead. Perhaps he was demonstrating “mercy” but there was no way I was going to stoop to cereal now. I’d just been discussing serious gospel principles with Dad; I wasn’t a small kid anymore.

See what I mean? I think this is going to be a productive six months. They got it right. At no point did Dad restrict my agency but by treating me with respect, and by treating me like someone he wanted me to be, he made the right choice easy for me.

I did point out that the same approach may not always work on our children. I tried something similar once with Ryan a few years ago and within 30 seconds of my saying it was OK if he ate, he was shoving tortillas in his mouth. Every child is different, but the principles of good parenting are constant.

New Treatment

OK, this is probably overdue but I guess I wanted to give my new treatment a little time to work before I reported on it. About a month ago I was referred to a chiropractor, who also does acupuncture and general healing/nutrition.

I liked this doctor right off the bat (and once I was convinced he wasn’t going to start sticking me with needles.) It isn’t that I no longer trust conventional medicine, but I have learned that the two neurologists I’ve seen are more trained for diagnosis than treatment. Maybe that is the nature of nervous system maladies; they can identify and classify the problem, but can do little to stop the degeneration, or reverse the damage.

A wise friend once told me that she believes MS is any number of illnesses that happen to share a common diagnostic profile. I totally believe that. After all multiple sclerosis means “multiple lesions,” referring to the scars on the brain or spinal cord visible from high-tech imaging. Who knows how you got it, how precisely it will affect you, or how to fix it, but you have multiple lesions. It would be like if you felt feverish and your doctor said, “Yep, you have ET, elevated temperaturosis” but offered no theory on how you got it, no treatment for it, and could not provide a prognosis other than you will probably uncomfortable.  (Then all your friends feel bad for you because you have ET, a disease with a Latin name and initials.)

To make a long story not quite as long, this non-conventional doctor believes that I can be healed. Like me, he believes that although the human body is mortal, it is not designed to attack itself, and that I am too young for my limitations. He believes MS was caused by my body’s reaction to one (or more) of five situations: scar tissue, toxic chemicals like pesticides, build-up of harmful metals, infection, or a food allergy.

He did a lot of tests using vials and acupuncture pressure points and it appears to be door #3: metals, aluminum and mercury, specifically. It makes sense as I have very little scar tissue, I’ve had no serious infections, and I’ve not been able to see any link between foods (like dairy or meat or wheat) and how I am feeling. And I have not dusted too many crops and I wash my fruit.

Anyway, so metals.

Questions:

1. How did that happen?

2. Is it correctable?

3. Can I prevent it from happening again?

4. Can the nerve damage I’ve sustained be reversed?

5. If I get my voice back, will I ever stop singing?

Answers

1. Can’t really know that but likely culprits may be my mouthful of silver fillings or soda from aluminum cans.

2. Maybe

3. Sure, but let’s see if we can undo what’s been done first

4. Maybe, but it may take some time; don’t hold your breath

5. No, not when I am awake, probably not

He gave me some potion that is supposed to help the body purge metals and eight different herbal supplements all aimed at promoting healing. The pills aren’t bad but there are a couple of remedies that are drops that I add to water and it is so awful. It is like drinking bleach, tonic water, and rancid battery acid. OK, that is an exaggeration but seriously, I drink it in front of a sink in case I gag or otherwise reject it. However, it is nothing compared with hope restored, and I’d drink it every hour if it would help. I’d even write a song about it.

Measure of Mercy

Many times each day I assess my condition. I wish I didn’t as this self-diagnosis is as biased as it is meaningless. The purpose of my life is not to give myself constant feedback on how I’m doing. Does it really matter if one day walking is a little more labored than the day before? Or less? I have learned to not despair during the bad times and I am very aware of and grateful for the better times.

And as I have mentioned here before, the changing of my condition is very subtle and gradual. It is sometimes hard for me to recognize the changes. In a lot of cases, my limitations are not visible to others and really are not measurable. Sometimes I suspect that I have adapted to them rather than they have lessened in severity. Our innate ability to do that, to become accustomed to life’s little difficulties thus minimizing them, I believe, is one of God’s mercies.

That said, I must admit that I have experienced a definite improvement in my vision over the past, say six months? I still do not see detail well as there seem to be little blind spots still, and it wasn’t like I woke up one day and said, “Hey I can see better!” But when I consider how difficult it used to be to read anything from paper, compared to today, I have to admit that it is more than assimilation. I still drive very cautiously but I see better.

Sunday as I was reading the hymn as the congregation sang, I thought back to 2007; I could read the words back then, but it took a moment of fixation and usually the tempo of even the slowest hymns outpaced my reading. The ward organist would e-mail the week’s hymns to me in advance so I could learn the verses better. In 2008 I told him that it was no longer needed, even though it still kind of was. I just felt bad giving him one more thing to worry about when sometimes I wouldn’t take the time to learn the verses, and I couldn’t sing anyway. But now I really don’t need it.

So I don’t know when it happened but the optic neuritis is not as bad as it once was. I am looking forward to the day I can say that about my voice, but am very grateful for this measure of mercy.

Renewed Hope

Since my symptoms began in ’06, I have seen my regular doctor, three neurologists, three speech therapists, two otolaryngologists, and optometrist, an ophthalmologist, a neuro opthalmologist, a urologist, a chiropractor, a psychiatrist, a therapist, and a nutritionist. I also had a phone consultation with a doctor of alternative medicine.

To date, I have tried over thirty different prescription medications and non-prescription pills/dietary supplements. Most seem to have no effect, and even the ones that help seem to become ineffective over time and have undesirable side effects. I have not kept track of things people have suggested that I have not tried. I just cannot afford to seek out every rumored treatment or cure. However, I kind cannot afford to give up hope. But I have learned to be a little skeptical.

This week I was introduced to another chiropractor/wellness doctor. He also does acupuncture. I met with him for over an hour and he is certain that he will be able to help me. I am still a bit skeptical but the interesting thing is he seems to be addressing the cause of the malady instead of taking it as a given and masking symptoms. He did some strange tests that pin-pointed where my system is stressed. He “diagnosed” mercury and aluminum build-up in the cerebellum, which could have initiated the MS in the first place. Today we met and he gave me seven natural supplements and had me begin keeping a food journal. We meet again in a week.

I know his parents (from church) and he just moved his practice here to be nearer to them. He seems to be both knowledgeable and honest. So does that mean I am going to get better? Of course not but it is refreshing to have someone else besides me wonder what caused this in the first place and how to address it.

Nerve damage is slow to heal so this may take a while but I do have renewed hope this week!