Swing Low

I have been a little encouraged by my voice lately. It is still bad, but I think it is better than a few months ago. I never am really sure though because as I have reported here before, as I get used to a limitation, it seems to be less severe, even though it may be unchanged. There just aren’t many objective measures. On the phone Amanda commented that my voice sounded better and I did place a successful drive-thru order.

With this backdrop, a couple weeks ago I got a cold, which is no fun, but it did yield a dramatic (albeit temporary) improvement in my voice.  It was real low, but it was there.  The first morning I was in the kitchen with Kara and I said something.  I sounded like Barry White but it was so strong!  Kara said, "Hey, you have a voice!"  I agreed and chalked it up to the cold and reflexively went back to my study.  Then it hit me: I can be heard!  I was kind of like a kid on Christmas morning. I mean, I can be heard every day but this was different; I had a little power! As I considered how to spend my vocal fortune, I couldn’t help but do something a little sappy: I went back to the kitchen and told Kara that I loved her.  She thought it was sappy too.

Next I called my friend who does not hear well.  We haven't spoken for months because it is just too hard to communicate.  He could hear me now; it was so awesome.  We talked about his health and made lunch plans.

Next I called parents, mostly to show off.  Speaking was still a little difficult, but I was getting way better results for the effort.  I was humming and stuff all day long. 

The cold is gone, thank goodness, and the deep bass voice too, but it was nice while it lasted!

Good and Bad

The Bad: I had a fall last week. I was at the mall with my parents and I had left them in search of a restroom. The mall was essentially empty and I guess I didn’t quite lift my right foot enough to shuffle over the polished floor. Stick. Stumble. It wasn't pretty; I think I resembled an octopus falling out of a tree.  Some kiosk guys did see it, and asked if I was OK. I was fine. The good thing is that I didn’t injure myself and although I did feel a twinge in my bad arm, it doesn’t appear to have set me back at all.

The Good: Maybe, just maybe, the ol’ voice is starting a gradual improvement. Last night at FHE I sang about 80% of the opening song. And maybe 30% of the closing. Now, I didn’t sing well, and my range is still less than an octave, and really bad, but it was better than a year ago. It is still a pain though. And like a lot of things, I’m never sure if it is really an improvement or I am getting used to it and learning “work arounds” so it seems better. I’ll keep working it.

Bad Wing

Back in October I reported trouble with my right arm and that dreadful fall. Since then especially, I have really been favoring it. The arm works fine (and without pain) when it is employed at chest level or below, but I cannot really raise it.

The small things you’d never think of are perhaps, the most taxing, like washing your hair. For months now I hold the shampoo bottle in my left, squeeze a dollop into my right. Put bottle down. Transfer shampoo to my left and lather one-handed. Kind of a pain but it doesn’t take much ingenuity and beats the alternative of being icky.

Every day I spend some time doing a homemade rehab, and have found that it is slowly getting better, I think. But this morning I reached a measurable little milestone: two-handed lather! Aah, felt good.

I’m on the mend!

Reloading

It has been a long time since I have posted anything meaningful on this blog. I often consider officially taking this blog down since I update it so infrequently. But I don’t because I don’t know when insights will hit me or new silver linings will become manifest.

I don’t know when, or if, a remission is pending, but it does seem that my condition, for better or worse, is destined to change very gradually. What that means in “blog-speak” is “boring.”

I mean, I do have stories of near falls, fun with sleeping pills, and how frightening bleachers can be without handrails, but none of these anecdotes have much redeeming value.

In my Sunday school teaching odyssey, I was so relieved following my December lesson. I was done! I had made it! I had completed the nearly impossible! They couldn’t continue to supplant Gospel Doctrine lessons and they wouldn’t seriously ask me to keep teaching. I learned a couple of weeks ago that, yeah, they can, and yeah, they will. So I taught again on January 3 and the worst part was the concern during preparation. I really dreaded teaching again. But I can’t ask for a release. It seems so spineless.

Two cool things stand out to me about last week’s lesson.

1. Although I don’t think it was my best lesson, parts of it were. Absolutely were. During preparation I had a distinct prompting to look something up, so I did, still kind of unsure how it would fit in the lesson. Then during the lesson a situation unfolded where that preparation was precisely the right thing to say at that moment and it was incredible. Hearts, including mine, were moved deeply.
2. I found that my voice does much better at 10:15 a.m. than at 2:15 p.m. Don’t get me wrong; it is still borderline atrocious, but no mike and no slurring. On a scale of 1 – 100, it has improved from a 6 to a 9. Maybe. We’ll see on Feb 7.

Legal Ads

(this was posted originally a week ago but because it got some unwanted spam in the comments, I deleted it, added comment moderation, and I am re-posting it)

I was watching a football game with Ryan and a Legal ad came on and asked: “Did you take (drug X) before 1992 and now have (medical problem Y)? If so, you may be entitled to financial compensation.” I told him that I was waiting for the ad that says, “Did you eat a lot of Arby’s in 2003-04? The Rueben? Do you currently have M.S. with severe vocal strain? If so, call this toll free number; you may be entitled to financial compensation?”

Or “Do you love little chocolate donuts? Cream Soda? At Tommy’s, did you eat a lot those fiery hot yellow peppers to show of for the ladies and now walk unsteadily? Well, that wasn’t wise, we feel bad for you, and there has been no link proven, BUT if you want to just roll the dice and sue someone, call us.”

The Theory of Relativity

People often ask me how I am doing. They are both serious and well-meaning, but I am not always sure how to answer. How am I doing – relative to what?

Compared to my worst periods with MS, I’m doing fabulously! In fact if I consider that my future may hold debilitating paralysis, immobility,and an untimely demise, then I am doing wonderfully today! (This creates a curious inverse relationship between optimism and state of being.)

But if the benchmark is a normal 44-year old man that can work to provide for his family, that can run up the stairs, and sing Christmas carols if he wants, then I’m doing poorly. Quite poorly.  I can’t afford to use that benchmark.

Silence is Golden

So I've been thinking: on most days my health condition is relatively stable, which makes for peaceful living but poor blogging.  I try to come up with insights, but often there is nothing that I haven't already shared.  There are still challenges but nothing really new or interesting.  I strain to see signs of improvement, and I do see them but they are so subjective and pathetic that sharing them would only serve to heighten concern.

So I end up writing nothing.  Forgive me.  If things go south I promise to report them here.  Or if things turn sharply north I'll report it.  If there are no updates, assume that everything is either stable (or gradually improving.)  When I hit a measurable milestone, I won't be shy about it.