Another Compassion Insight

As I have mentioned earlier, when I was faced with providing comfort to another, especially emotional comfort, I was awkward. Now that I have had some stretches on the other side, I have gained some insight.

I was warned that one of the possible side effects to my first MS medication was depression. I hoped that it was just the idea of having to give yourself three shots per week and not some chemically induced sadness. It did worry me and I was on guard for it. I’m not a depressed kind of guy, and depression leads to nothing good. Notwithstanding my vigilance, I did suffer from bouts of depression. It wasn’t real serious or life-threatening, but it was deep enough for me to learn some lessons. I am on a different treatment now, and I feel that this depression is behind me.

Here is the thing: when I had feelings of say, worthlessness, I knew cerebrally that they weren’t justified and I had no right to those feelings, but nonetheless I had them and they were real to me. I didn’t know why I felt that way, but nonetheless I did. Even if you have the presence of mind, when thus afflicted, to realize that the feelings are likely a medication side-effect, you still have them. Maybe an example will help.

Let’s say that you have a friend who is a great mother, but she is depressed and tells you she feels like a terrible mother. What do you say? I think our natural inclination is to disagree with her, tell her she’s crazy, she’s a great mother, and that she shouldn’t feel that way. OK, first, telling someone suffering from a psychological issue like depression that they are crazy is probably not the best thing! ;-) And the fact that she shouldn’t feel that way doesn’t invalidate and magically evaporate her feelings.

So what would be helpful? I don’t exactly know, but perhaps you could ask why she feels that way. I have no formal counseling or psychology training, but it seems like a good idea. By doing this, to me it seems that while you are not agreeing with her negative feelings, you aren’t dismissing them out-of-hand either. Again, true or not, justified or not, the feelings are real to her. She may not even know why she feels so, but by asking her you not only show you care, but you force her to consider why she feels that way. Then, if you can, provide her with specific counter-arguments. For example, “You always show patience with your kids” or some other specific. Vague compliments like, “C’mon, you’re a great mother” sound hollow and because you fail to cite specifics or examples, she may assume that you can’t think of any reasons either and the feelings even deepen. It isn’t fair, you’re just trying to be nice, but dismissing the feeling or countering it with vague feedback doesn’t really help. Does that make sense?

I hope this insight isn’t too narrow in scope to be of any worth, but in case someone in your path is sad, hopefully this will help. I also hope that this "insight" in no way alarms you. I am fine.

Good Morning

This morning when I was taking Erika to her rendezvous for girls camp, I realized that my vision impairment seemed almost imperceptible. Mornings are always better, and I wasn’t trying to read anything, but this was encouraging.

I had a productive and happy morning at my PC, while my two ladies slept in. Later, as I was strolling through the kitchen, I noticed that my walking seemed steadier than it had in months. I try not to compare every symptom to how it felt an hour ago but they definitely wax and wane. I try to remember this when symptoms are bad; they do get better. By the same token, I try not to get too excited when I have a good stretch, but I can’t help but be grateful. Nor could I help taking a few extra spirited spins through the downstairs. I even tried a little jog. OK, there are limits to this “feeling good” morning, and although I didn’t fall or anything, I found those limits!

Another Good Thing

One of the possible MS symptoms is pain. Montel Williams says that he suffers intense pain in his feet each morning. Others report living in constant pain. Knock on wood, but I don’t have this. My legs feel very sensitive, and this at times can be somewhat uncomfortable, but they don’t hurt. Maybe that trial is looming, but for now, I’ll be grateful.

To anyone that does live in constant pain, for whatever reason, I'm sorry and I wish there was some way I could help.

The Cycle

I have to be careful because sometimes, if I’m not feeling well, I forget to eat. Or I feel too tired to eat.  If I don’t eat, any fatigue is exacerbated of course. Being more tired, I really don’t want to eat. Kara called me on this yesterday. It wasn’t a terrible day by any stretch, but I had unwittingly gotten into this little cycle. I just felt kinda wiped out and defeated. By 3pm she asked what I had eaten that day and I realized that I had only had a piece of coffee cake. No wonder!  (And Kara made the coffee cake; if she hadn't I probably wouldn't have eaten anything.)  I used to be such a glutton, now I so rarely even feel hunger.  I still enjoy meals and eating (sometimes) but I have to remember to do it.  Today I am feeling (and eating) better!

One Small Symbol, One Huge Difference

I just heard from my HR department.  My portion of the bill for my infusion treatment is $20, not 20%.  This news seems too good to be true, so I'm a little skeptical, but still...it does not look like I'll have to suspend treatment.

Quiet Day

I am ten days into my voice therapy and I have seen only very minor improvement. But I’ll stick with it. I return Monday. I’ve been thinking about the problem a lot. How did my throat muscles get so constricted and strained in the first place? They say anxiety could be a factor. I admit that I’ve had plenty of that. I used to use tennis as a stress outlet.

But think there is a more straight-forward explanation. In late 2006, I remember feeling frustrated at choir practice that I couldn’t seem to generate sufficient volume. Some days I was half of the tenor section, and the other was a Deacon. Our poor choir director needed more volume from us, but my volume knob seemed to be broken. I knew my legs were weak, but I hadn’t considered this weakness to be due to MS. Now I am certain that it was. In fact, I think the “weakness” was in the diaphragm that pumps air through the vocal box. And it wasn’t limited to singing. The body’s natural reaction to diminished vocal volume is to use throat muscles to compensate. A year and a half later, guess what? Those muscles are extremely strained. Not only do I still have the diaphragm weakness, but my larynx is a mess. Result? I get about 30 syllables an hour. After that, it is bad. I think I start straining from syllable 1. I don't know how to not do that.

My hope is that I can slowly undo the throat problems. I don’t know if there is anything that I can do to address the diaphragm weakness, sit-ups? But it is still working. If I can undo the larynx strain, I may just have to get used to being a soft-talker, or maybe even a soft-singer.

Yesterday I did a lot of talking, relatively. I took several phone calls, I wanted to teach the lesson in FHE and then I had to help Ryan prepare for his Spanish final. It was bad. It actually started hurting. Tomorrow I am seeing a friend that is here from Utah on business, but today I don’t have any “talking” scheduled. I’m going to try to give my larynx a real break. I mean, I’ll do my therapy drills and such, but let’s see if a break will help. I’ve been up for over two hours and I have used only 23 syllables.

I'll keep you posted.

Principles

(This article, like the last one, isn’t about MS or optimism at all. They are about parenting in the gospel, and because they are serious and somewhat personal, so I’m going to share them here instead of on my other blog.)

I think that I have done a poor job of teaching principles to my kids. As mentioned in the “Fasting” post, they know the rules of fasting, but I don’t think they “get it” yet. This is manifest in the whining and complaining, the exaggerated sighs and head-banging on the pantry door. Without a testimony of the principle, we are prone to unduly shortening the fast, “cheating” or rationalizing (like, the bread not used in the Sacrament is Holy Bread is therefore OK to eat during Sunday school.) Obedience to the rules is important, but without the testimony underpinnings, what is the point? It isn’t my goal to starve my kids once a month. And besides, they won’t always live at home.

With this thought in mind, I fielded a disturbing question Sunday afternoon from Amanda. For those who don’t know her, she is 17 and she has always had a keen sense of right and wrong and happily, she clings to righteousness (with the exception of some intolerance of her brother.) She is so good and admirable in so many ways. She is a model Laurel. But after church Sunday she asked me if it would be OK to “sit outside by the pool and enjoy nature” on the Sabbath. I told her that I didn’t see any trouble with that, but I did not approve of Sunday sun-tanning. She began to plead her case. You can make a pretty good case for this, if Sabbath day observance is just a list of prohibitions.

However, to me the Sabbath is for worship, spiritual development, service to others, and family bonding/ togetherness. It is to be a day to rest and re-charge. But even saying this much, you can justify anything you want to. You can “rest” while tanning and you can bond with family while frolicking in the pool or eating out. I think that the overriding principle is holiness and a day to rest from our regular activities. If we truly make it a day that is different from the other days in the week, we will be blessed. The Sabbath is for us. I need to figure out a way to teach this to my kids. In the meantime, we will continue to enforce rules! (Of note, she did not “lay out,” and did not even pursue it beyond the initial probe. Maybe she does understand the principle on some level.)