Goals not Forgotten

Although I have not reported lately on progress towards my two simple (but seemingly impossible goals), they are not forgotten. I have been walking almost every day, but not running again yet. My fall was 20 days ago and I am 100% healed, but I think I’ll invest in some protective gear before trotting again. I think I was just too anxious to make progress too quickly.

Regarding my solo vocal performance, progress is even slower. Monday I went to speech therapy again. She is encouraging. She says that my vocal strength is greatly improved. The problem continues to be that I involuntarily strain when trying to talk, which stifles the voice.

While there, she has me do a lot of drills. For one series, I hold my larynx down and focus on not straining any muscle in my neck or throat. Then I mimic certain sighs, hums, and short phrases. In one, I’m supposed to get a good hum going, forward in the mouth, and then say some “M” alliteration like “Molly made muffins” in a low monotone voice. I have to close my eyes and really concentrate. Take a deep diaphragmatic breath. Start hum. Voice forward. Don’t strain. Vibration on the lips, out of the throat. Good breath support. Don’t strain. Relax. Chin up. Don’t force it. Then Allison says, “You strained and cut off the words. Try again.”

Then after one she said, “There! That was good.”

I croaked, “Yeah, if I were reciting a dirge, blindfolded.” I thought the comment was clever but she reprimanded me. She said that thought processes like that are counter-productive. She’s right; I am impatient and I can’t seem to help poking fun at the baby steps I am making. (I did swallow my “robot reporting on cooking class” comment.)

That’s the thing: you cannot hurry this. If you try, it actually impedes progress. It just seems so silly to make such an inordinate effort for such paltry results. I have earned a master’s degree, learned a foreign language, and have lived with teenagers since 2004, but saying the nonsense phrase correctly, without straining, is harder than them all. Combined. I am trying to “re-wire” signals that worked fine for 40 years, and I don’t really know how it is done.

I’m having a hard time thinking of an analogy. Maybe it is like trying to stand up without using your leg muscles. No hands either. I only know one way. I’ll just have to trust her and take it one tiny step at a time. I guess that is the only way to reach either of my goals.