Measure of Mercy

Many times each day I assess my condition. I wish I didn’t as this self-diagnosis is as biased as it is meaningless. The purpose of my life is not to give myself constant feedback on how I’m doing. Does it really matter if one day walking is a little more labored than the day before? Or less? I have learned to not despair during the bad times and I am very aware of and grateful for the better times.

And as I have mentioned here before, the changing of my condition is very subtle and gradual. It is sometimes hard for me to recognize the changes. In a lot of cases, my limitations are not visible to others and really are not measurable. Sometimes I suspect that I have adapted to them rather than they have lessened in severity. Our innate ability to do that, to become accustomed to life’s little difficulties thus minimizing them, I believe, is one of God’s mercies.

That said, I must admit that I have experienced a definite improvement in my vision over the past, say six months? I still do not see detail well as there seem to be little blind spots still, and it wasn’t like I woke up one day and said, “Hey I can see better!” But when I consider how difficult it used to be to read anything from paper, compared to today, I have to admit that it is more than assimilation. I still drive very cautiously but I see better.

Sunday as I was reading the hymn as the congregation sang, I thought back to 2007; I could read the words back then, but it took a moment of fixation and usually the tempo of even the slowest hymns outpaced my reading. The ward organist would e-mail the week’s hymns to me in advance so I could learn the verses better. In 2008 I told him that it was no longer needed, even though it still kind of was. I just felt bad giving him one more thing to worry about when sometimes I wouldn’t take the time to learn the verses, and I couldn’t sing anyway. But now I really don’t need it.

So I don’t know when it happened but the optic neuritis is not as bad as it once was. I am looking forward to the day I can say that about my voice, but am very grateful for this measure of mercy.

Renewed Hope

Since my symptoms began in ’06, I have seen my regular doctor, three neurologists, three speech therapists, two otolaryngologists, and optometrist, an ophthalmologist, a neuro opthalmologist, a urologist, a chiropractor, a psychiatrist, a therapist, and a nutritionist. I also had a phone consultation with a doctor of alternative medicine.

To date, I have tried over thirty different prescription medications and non-prescription pills/dietary supplements. Most seem to have no effect, and even the ones that help seem to become ineffective over time and have undesirable side effects. I have not kept track of things people have suggested that I have not tried. I just cannot afford to seek out every rumored treatment or cure. However, I kind cannot afford to give up hope. But I have learned to be a little skeptical.

This week I was introduced to another chiropractor/wellness doctor. He also does acupuncture. I met with him for over an hour and he is certain that he will be able to help me. I am still a bit skeptical but the interesting thing is he seems to be addressing the cause of the malady instead of taking it as a given and masking symptoms. He did some strange tests that pin-pointed where my system is stressed. He “diagnosed” mercury and aluminum build-up in the cerebellum, which could have initiated the MS in the first place. Today we met and he gave me seven natural supplements and had me begin keeping a food journal. We meet again in a week.

I know his parents (from church) and he just moved his practice here to be nearer to them. He seems to be both knowledgeable and honest. So does that mean I am going to get better? Of course not but it is refreshing to have someone else besides me wonder what caused this in the first place and how to address it.

Nerve damage is slow to heal so this may take a while but I do have renewed hope this week!