Constitutionally Broke

Not broken, just broke. I mean by that is that I cannot emotionally afford to do things like contemplate or reminisce very much. One evening last month I innocently strayed a little too far in these waters and the result was not pretty. It was just during a nice moment at our family reunion. Dusk was nearing, the evening was cool, and everyone was gathering for fireworks. I was sitting on the patio just observing. The kids were playing so well. Natalie and Erika especially were in “cousin heaven.” I couldn’t help but consider how fortunate I am to be part of this family. Not bragging but it is basically perfect. Not the individuals, but I am convinced that collectively there is no finer group.

As soon as I had these thoughts I quickly changed my focus to something else, anything else, my sandals, baseball cards, fireworks safety, etc. Whew. That was a close call. OK, who do the Angels play today?

Anyway, my sister sat beside me but she didn’t say anything. I think the silence begged for a contemplative statement. I figured I was safe because I’d already had the thoughts; I was OK. I wanted to say “Sometimes I think we have the best family, ever.” I tried to say it quickly but I was not fast enough. The torrent of emotion surged and completely overpowered me cutting off the last two words entirely. I get so mad at this. My family already worries too much about me without my spontaneous sobbing. I hastily excused myself and walked a few steps away. I covered my face and felt racked with emotion. I cursed myself for this weakness. Of course she followed me, concerned that I was not OK. A brother-in-law noticed the little scene and asked if something was wrong.

It was evidence that they are watching out for me. Heaven forbid there really was something wrong. Had I stumbled or something there would surely be ten hands there to catch me. I do not deserve this attention, I do not want this care, and I hate sounding false alarms like this. Nothing was wrong; just the opposite, everything was so right that, when contemplated just for a minute, the signals in my head somehow got all whacked out.

Today my baby left for college. It is a day just begging for reflection, contemplation and tears. But I can’t afford that. I’m broke. I am home alone today, so no need to worry about a scene, but I just stay focused on present concerns. I knew this was coming and I am really excited for her. She is just going to school. In fact, it will be easier for me to communicate with her now. Maybe I can save up a little composure and cry my eyes out next week but not today.