Compassion Insight #2

Insight #1 was that there is sorrow that the eye can’t see. Insight #2 is part of the problem of #1. This one might anger you. Sorry about that, but it is just what I’ve learned, like it or not.

The insight is that the afflicted person will often be, say, “less than candid” about what they are going through. It isn’t a tendency to the dishonest, but I have found that a lot goes through my mind before answering the “How are you?” inquiry. I’m not talking about the casual asker, I’m referring to the person who is sincerely asking and is genuinely concerned. Still, I noticed an inverse relationship between how well I felt and how “filtered” the answers were. When I felt the worst, I found myself desperately trying to sugar-coat my answers. Why? These are people who want to know and care. Yeah, but caring goes both ways. I care about them too. How can I look into their loving eyes and try to tell them just how wretched I feel? It can be such a downer with a very limited and lopsided upside. I can’t do it, and I don’t believe I am alone.

I promise that I’m not lying now. I wrote the “My Day” post to be as detailed and honest as possible. I really am OK at present. I’m just saying that when I hit a rough patch in the future, I can’t promise you that I will come clean with it. I just can’t. Maybe it will be easier on this blog.

So, what do we do? We want to be of comfort, we long to be compassionate, but the sorrow may be non-visible and the afflicted isn’t sharing all of what they feel. If I knew the answer to that, it would make a good Insight #3, but I don’t. I guess it never hurts to be “over compassionate” if there is a doubt. (Again, not talking about me, just trying to help us on the giving side.)

I will say that some people can see right through the filters. I can’t, but going back to the miserable weekend I described in Insight #1 back in September ‘06, Sunday was better than Saturday, but still bad. I wasn’t really up for attending church but I hoped that it would provide me with some distraction to the discomfort. My Bishop greeted me in the hallway, grasped my hand and asked somewhat sternly how I was doing. His eyes bore through me. I looked down and muttered something about having had better days. Surely he has worry enough without me piling on. He didn’t let go. He made me look at him and said, “You’re not OK; I can tell.” Then he asked what he could do to help. I told him that I would appreciate his prayers. He actually asked the entire ward to help in this way.

During sacrament meeting I was seated with my family in the overflow when during one of the talks I noticed my friend Don leave his pew and exit from a door near the front of the chapel. I knew that he had endured a bad week and he is in so much constant pain. He hadn’t been coming to church much recently because of it. Being somewhat sensitized, I decided to step out and check on him. I knew I couldn’t make his pain go away, but I could show him that I cared and was mindful of him. I caught him in the hall and he seemed happy to see me. He did admit that his back was really hurting. Just then, we were surprised to see Bishop Martin come through the same door that Don had. He said that he saw me step out and he was worried about me. It was like that book A Fly Went By. I don’t know that I’ve ever noticed a bishop leaving his meeting over such a concern. When I told him that I only had stepped out to check on Don, we shared a chuckle, and three-way hug, and a tear. He assured us that all would be OK.

It was a great example of Alma’s words:

And now, as ye are desirous to come into the fold of God, and to be called his people, and are willing to bear one another’s burdens, that they may be light; yea, and are willing to mourn with those that mourn; yea, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort, and to stand as witnesses of God at all times and in all things, and in all places

We can’t always expect full disclosure from the person sorrowing, but if we are sensitive, I think we are entitled to a measure of inspiration. I know Don isn't "coming clean" with me but I kind of understand why. Like Bishop Martin’s good example, if we can learn to comfort those who stand in need of comfort (even if they don’t readily admit it), we can come into the fold of God.