Drinking the Kool-Aid

I’ve found that at times I don’t fully accept my limitations which results in a fall or utter exhaustion or something.  Much more common, however,  is the opposite. I catch myself, on occasion, “drinking the Kool-Aid.” By this I mean that at times, my knee-jerk response is “Oh, I probably better not do that” even if there is no good reason. Last summer, Ryan was invited to go wakeboarding on the local lake. I was invited to tag along. Owing to my illness, my first thought was “I can’t.” But I challenged myself -- What symptom would prevent me from riding in a boat? I couldn’t think of any, and I went and had a nice time.

It is hard to explain. Once Ryan said that he wished someone could play tennis with him. Sorry, that is a definite “no can do.” But wait, is it? While it is true that with my vision issues and leg weakness I cannot play very well, or for very long, there is no rule in the MS handbook saying that I can’t get out there and try. (I just made that up; I don’t think such a handbook exists.) Again, I went and we kind of played. It was frustrating, and I didn’t provide him any competition, but I was none the worse for going. It isn’t like pneumonia. I can’t spread it and resting doesn’t really help heal it. But could I fall or something and get hurt? Yeah, I guess, but the risk seems too low at present to become hermetical. And besides, if I am unwilling to take any risks, am I not accelerating the effect of the limitations? Who wants that?

The flip side of this is when I did something that I probably should not have done. A year and a half ago one of my home teaching families did an intra-ward move. The priesthood was called upon to help and I couldn’t bear the thought of not helping. I reasoned that I would just not carry heavy things and maybe look for opportunities to assemble and disassemble things. Maybe I could stay in the moving van and direct traffic or something. I tried to execute my plan, but as I sometimes do, I didn’t really know my own limits and I ended up with a pretty bad strain of the lower back. Maybe it would have been worth it if I did much to help, but I really didn’t. Bottom line is that I should have left moving to stronger backs and healthier legs.

Everything I am faced with first passes the binary filter of “can” or “can’t.” Thankfully, almost everything is still “can.” But there is a second test of “should/shouldn’t” where “shouldn’t” just means that the cost/risks outweigh the benefit. I’m still trying to figure out that balance. I think that I have been erring too much on the side of caution but I think I need to push myself a bit more.