On Helpfulness

One of the more vexing problems related to my limitations is, surprisingly, domestic helpfulness. I know, who would have thought? Here’s the thing: as I’ve mentioned before, I’m not much help around the home, but it isn’t for lack of effort. I’m not the patron saint of helpfulness or anything, but I try. Unfortunately, my efforts have resulted in marital strife rather than marital bliss. What? How?

Here's the general pattern: I take something on, without being asked, and usually, despite a harrowing effort, I don’t do it right, mess up Kara’s system, or leave the job in a state that requires Kara’s immediate attention to complete or remedy. Even if I do it well the value of the task rarely justifies the amount of energy I spent on it. I'm afraid it is a manifestation of denial on my part. Then I'm all wiped out and cranky.

So while the effort may be praiseworthy, the result is my being totally useless for a stretch or it results in more work for Kara right now, and she’s already stretched pretty thinly. When you are subconsciously expecting a medal, and you instead get ire, the result can range from discouragement to discord.

I do not mean to imply that Kara is ungrateful. I am just admitting that my zeal could be channeled more productively. We are making strides, however. I have learned that dishes, vacuuming, and wiping down anything are safe zones. Preparing a meal is pretty safe as is making the bed. Laundry help is not usually welcome because she has a system and I invariably mess it up. Anything involving the purchase, installation, or transportation of electronic equipment is a definite "no."

Don't get the wrong idea. I'm not Mr. Clean all day, dusting this and scrubbing that. Despite my illness I could be doing a lot more than I do, but, after all, I am still a man. C'mon, let's not get crazy.

This morning Kara asked what my plans were for the day. I told her a few things I had in mind but she vetoed two of the six things. She continued to tell me a few other things that she didn’t want me to do. I’m the only man I know that has a “Honey Don’t” list!