I was looking forward to conference today. I think I always do, but maybe more acutely this time as these past few weeks have been tough. It is mostly just the overwhelming fatigue I feel for so much of the day, but also my walking and leg strength seem to be worsening. And my voice, if you can believe it. More challenging than the physical limitations is the somewhat self-inflicted mental and emotional toll. I know I’m doing it, but I seem unable to stop thought patterns that are self-defeating and absent faith.
I was hopeful that I would hear counsel specifically applicable to my circumstances, and now after listening to conference, feel the need to apologize to anyone else that listened to four hours that were aimed directly at me.
Seriously. How many talks were on, or referenced, adversity? Six? Eight? Suffice it to say I have some repenting to do. No, not the self-righteous kind, and I expect that readers of this blog give me way too much credit as if the peculiarity of the challenge itself somehow translates into virtue. It doesn’t. But I write some good stuff, and I listened to conference, doesn’t that prove my head is on straight and my moral compass is calibrated? First, I don’t write everything I feel and fear, and second, it doesn’t prove anything.
I get so frustrated when I consider my challenge with a narrow perspective. Look, I am not trying to be an inspirational anecdote. I want my old life back! I wasn’t done being young. Like one speaker said, I do feel sometimes that it is unfair. As if! As if there is such a thing and as if the sum total of my burdens outweigh the sum total of my blessings. (They do not.) But just like my kids say, “That’s not fair!” when they really mean “That isn’t my will,” the real me knows that my life will never approach “fair.” I’ve been far too blessed.
Oh, how I need to remember the “big picture” and have more faith. (I realize that recognizing this need and blogging about it do not alone remedy it!)
7 comments:
Personal perspective is an interesting thing: As I listened and watched and felt, I was certain the speakers were talking to me, not you. Wow.
Amen, to Larry. I thought it was all for me. That's one of the miracles in the way the Holy Ghost talks to us-- it's personal, no matter what is being spoken.
I am touched by the "I wasn't done being young" idea, Dave. You're in our thoughts continually, and prayers, too.
It just seemed that there were a lot of talks that mentioned personal adversity ranging from the loss of a job to the loss of a child. It kinda made my challenges puny in comparison. Of course there were some talks on other subjects, like provident living and prayer but I needed those too.
Regarding my comment "I wasn't done being young," those kind of comments are overdramatic and somewhat foolish. First, what gives me the right to judge exactly how a man should feel at any given age? Second, I don't thin anyone is ever ready for compromised health. It always catches you before your ready. The most striking example of this to me was President Hinckley. At age 95 when he learned he had terminal cancer his daughter reported that he "mourned the loss of good health." Even at age 95, having lived such an upstanding life, and several years after his wife had passed away? I don't think anyone is ever "done" being young and in good health.
I know - huge differences in circumstances. Cancer is a painful and terminal disease. My MS is neither. He presided over the 13 million members of the church, I am the secretary in my High Priests group of 25. He spent more time as an ordained apostle than I have spent time on earth. I'm really not comparing my measly trial with his, I'm just saying that I don't think you're ever really ready.
And I am young still, and some vital parts of me ARE in good health. Eating better and less has been good for my heart. My mental faculties seem sharp and besides a few malfunctioning nerves, I'm fine!
Sorry about the "drama," it's where my mind goes sometimes and I am trying to fight it.
I don't think that there is anything wrong with occasionally acknowledging your feelings of mourning for what was, what might have been and what you know won't be. These are legitimate feelings. Letting them overome you is what should be avoided. You are positive and upbeat and human. Cut yourself some slack =)
You are right, Anonymous. Those are natural feelings and after all, I am human. It is just that I can get so wrapped up in my own problems and with a narrow and short-term perspective, and it doesn't do anyone any good, least of all me! I'm learning.
And here I thought it was MY conference!! ;-)
What I find motivating about your blog, is that you're processing in a very communal way, what almost everyone confronted with a great life change experiences. Most of us isolate(ed) ourselves, which for me, made the hardest parts last much, much longer.
When I read D&C 67:3 I realized a few things. First, all the fear I was harboring - and it was a lot - was blocking the blessings. And second, I acknowledged that the mental part of this challenge was bigger than the physical. It was at that moment that I first considered the idea that being 'cured' and being 'healed' were very different things, and the Savior only offers 'healing,' curing seems to be a side benefit.
The other thing to remember is just because someone else has it 'harder' doesn't mean it isn't really hard for you. We're a competitive society, which isn't how the Lord sees us at all. Just because someone buried her children in the frozen ground using a teaspoon doesn't mean the Lord doesn't see your adversities as well.
Well said, Aselin. Conference was wonderful.
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