Another Compassion Insight

As I have mentioned earlier, when I was faced with providing comfort to another, especially emotional comfort, I was awkward. Now that I have had some stretches on the other side, I have gained some insight.

I was warned that one of the possible side effects to my first MS medication was depression. I hoped that it was just the idea of having to give yourself three shots per week and not some chemically induced sadness. It did worry me and I was on guard for it. I’m not a depressed kind of guy, and depression leads to nothing good. Notwithstanding my vigilance, I did suffer from bouts of depression. It wasn’t real serious or life-threatening, but it was deep enough for me to learn some lessons. I am on a different treatment now, and I feel that this depression is behind me.

Here is the thing: when I had feelings of say, worthlessness, I knew cerebrally that they weren’t justified and I had no right to those feelings, but nonetheless I had them and they were real to me. I didn’t know why I felt that way, but nonetheless I did. Even if you have the presence of mind, when thus afflicted, to realize that the feelings are likely a medication side-effect, you still have them. Maybe an example will help.

Let’s say that you have a friend who is a great mother, but she is depressed and tells you she feels like a terrible mother. What do you say? I think our natural inclination is to disagree with her, tell her she’s crazy, she’s a great mother, and that she shouldn’t feel that way. OK, first, telling someone suffering from a psychological issue like depression that they are crazy is probably not the best thing! ;-) And the fact that she shouldn’t feel that way doesn’t invalidate and magically evaporate her feelings.

So what would be helpful? I don’t exactly know, but perhaps you could ask why she feels that way. I have no formal counseling or psychology training, but it seems like a good idea. By doing this, to me it seems that while you are not agreeing with her negative feelings, you aren’t dismissing them out-of-hand either. Again, true or not, justified or not, the feelings are real to her. She may not even know why she feels so, but by asking her you not only show you care, but you force her to consider why she feels that way. Then, if you can, provide her with specific counter-arguments. For example, “You always show patience with your kids” or some other specific. Vague compliments like, “C’mon, you’re a great mother” sound hollow and because you fail to cite specifics or examples, she may assume that you can’t think of any reasons either and the feelings even deepen. It isn’t fair, you’re just trying to be nice, but dismissing the feeling or countering it with vague feedback doesn’t really help. Does that make sense?

I hope this insight isn’t too narrow in scope to be of any worth, but in case someone in your path is sad, hopefully this will help. I also hope that this "insight" in no way alarms you. I am fine.